I first undertook the study of non-league football in order to inform myself about individual clubs better and give myself an edge over the bookies. In doing so, I have come across several clubs who have got themselves into financial trouble. There are several ways that this can happen. So, if you want to ruin a non-league football club, you could put into practice one or more of these tried and tested strategies.
1. Use a club to launder money raised from illegal activity.
This has, reputedly, happened to at least four clubs in recent years: I don't want to find myself being spoken to by men in horsehair wigs, let alone by men wearing ski masks, so I won't name any of the clubs.
2. Live the dream
I know the phrase originated with Leeds United, who aren't a non-league club, but the principles are essentially the same. What you should do is:
* Look at the average attendance over the past few years, or still better the highest attendance, and base your business plan on that being an attainable average for the next few years. Ignore the fact that the highest attendance was against a team with huge travelling support, and that the average attendance was thereby skewed upwards. On no account should you look at the median attendance.
* Assume that if you spend lots of money on players, they will be good
* On no account should you consider the possibility that other teams in the same division will adopt the same strategy
* Therefore assume that your newly-acquired team will win promotion this season
* And that they will draw far bigger gates next season in a higher division, when you can repeat the whole thing again
3. Look at the club's other assets
Prinicipally, the club's 'other assets' will comprise the ground. You should take over all of the club, then decouple the ground from the football club. You can then sell the ground to property developers, who will charge rent to the club for its use. You won't be too popular with the fans, but who cares?
Note: Make sure that the local council will allow development of the ground for other purposes before you try to sell it!
4. Don't pay your bills
Principally this applies to HMRC, who are likely to be your biggest creditor, but it equally applies to local businesses. Make, though, that you pay your players, else they'll go elsewhere. Indeed, you should strongly consider the next step:
5. Make illegal and unrecorded payments to your players
The beauty of this is that it will get you into trouble with the FA and HMRC. It'll probably make your fans regard the players as money-grabbers, too.
6. Ignore any instructions made by the ground-grading committee
Using some combination of the above strategies, you've probably got your team promoted, though the FA have told you that you'll have to improve parts of the ground if you are to be allowed to stay at that level for the following season, however you do on the pitch. Just don't take any notice. They wouldn't dare relegate you. Would they?
7. Get your contracting of players strategy right.
This means that you should put your weaker players on contracts so that you can't get rid of them, and that you should not offer contracts to your better players, so that other clubs can take them off you without your getting any compensation.
8. Do nothing to discourage your hooligan element
Over time you'll get fewer and fewer visiting fans at your club, and probably lose quite a few home fans, too
9 Sign a ridiculuosly onerous contract with a local brewery for your social club bar
This will minimise any contribution to the club's profitability and may even put you into an 'insolvency event'
10 Disrespect all your local rivals, especially those of higher status
You don't want them offering good young players to you on loan, or agreeing to pre-season friendlies, do you?
11 Alienate your fanbase
This requires very little financial outlay, but it can be extremely effective! A few well-timed press releases or statements in the match programme should do the trick.
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